A long week

People said I have emaciated. If they went through half of what I  have, they might not survive it.

I barely sleep at night. In fact,  I *don’t* sleep at night. I tried sleeping with catarrh medicines pff. I bought sleeping tablets, nada. The boy advised I take 3 of the pills, I took 5 instead.


I took a friend abi acquaintance to my special corner, so we will smoke some weed. We arrived there and the place had changed. There were lights everywhere. The way lights shone on our faces, we became scared to get caught by Nigerian police. Make we no spend Eid Mubarak in prison.

My companion gave me two rolls to take home. The hallucinations that came afterwards. In just smoking half of a stick. I couldn’t sleep. My hearing sense were heightened. I could hear everything, everyone did or spoke inside their houses. I even heard somebody inside my house and opening my pots and fridge🤭.

However, it was better. Better than be conscious and be ravaged by your very own demons. It wasn’t about the sleep, it was about not sane enough to bear the burdens.


Crazy, how somebody had thought I must be high to write the things I write. I cannot even think when high

I am Nothing

Why can’t I see myself as ordinary? What’s this feeling in me that I am special and made to be liked and worshipped by others?

What’s this feelings of being wanted, being loved when it’s obvious that I can’t find love. Nobody loves me, I am poor and homeless. What’s this feeling of I would be somebody, a world star? What’s this urge of me to want to fly? That I am the best and if anyone wants to choose it should be me. Why do I feel like I own the world and I am better than my present?


Why do I badly want to flyyyy? Why can’t my present condition open my eyes to the fact that I am ordinary. I might also be a piece of shit. Why do I feel like a somebody when I am a nobody and everyone sees between my lies and see the trash that I am.

Why do I want to be loved like no other person exist, loved like I am everything and a world in a person?

Why do I have this delusions that I am more, I can be more if given a chance? Why can’t I see myself the way others do? Ordinary.

Why can’t I come to the reality, that I am nothing. I am not special and not worthy of love. People can’t do right by me. And I am homeless.

Hope and expectations are dopamine of the mind.

Let Everything Happen to You

I have experienced beauty. I have experienced pain. I have experienced unexplainable joy. I have experienced great agony. I have been used and I have used. Almost everything has happened to me. Let everything happen to me. Life is shitty but one word stands, “when there is life, there is hope.” I have hoped and failed. I have dreamt and succeeded. I have believed and doubted. I have died and I have been reborn.

Life isn’t a bed of roses. Let everything happen to you, beauty and pain. In everything find humour in it. Laugh when your heart tingles, cry when it hurts. Those things are what makes life, Life.

Life shouldn’t be taken seriously because life itself isn’t serious.

Even as I worship only the Idol in the mirror. Every morning I wake up, I look up at the sky and remember, ‘the only way to the top is forward. The only way forward is to keep moving’. The genuine solution in achieving anything is to keep pushing, keep striving, keep moulding. I am no longer just a survivor, I am both survivor and a conqueror.

Nkesichi


Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final.

_Rainer Maria Rilke

Death

I’ve been fascinated about death, mortuaries and what happens to dead people of recent. This video is the funniest thing that I have watched about death. The narrator jokes about looks including having little hopes about maintaining beauty after a month of death ☠. Also, how the wrinkles dissappear after death. I understand why my dad was said to look younger lying in state than while alive. I’ve been laughing from this video and learning a lot more. I’d follow them.

I love this video and the narrator. I am overwhelmed by his ability to keep us glued, make us laugh and still educate us on literally everything we need to know in a short 21min death video. The narrator explains different major religions in the world like Christianity, Islam and Hindu ️, their beliefs of death and afterlife. Then he gave us scientific information of the said matter example 39% of those who had clinically died (cardiac arrest) claims to have experienced peace and time in a much slower pace. While 9% of them, notice near-death-experiences, the entire time of their life flashing before their eyes, or light at the end of a tunnel. 46% of the patients claimed vaguely fearful experiences like being punished or tormented. Strangest of all, 2% of them experience near full awareness, they explicitly recall hearing and seeing verified events that indeed happened around them despite being clinically dead.

Scientists ascertain that the brain shut down 20-30 seconds after the heart has stopped. Some of the visions that the people experienced might be tricks of the mind.

This type of people (the amazing narrator) inspire me because I want to hold readers to myself, educate them and make them laugh , all at once. So each time I write, these are my aims; keep them glue, make them laugh, educate them. Well, except on my gay articles cuz I am angry. I can no longer claim that this still holds of recent because I am angry. I am angry with life, I am angry at this country, I am angry at my parents for giving birth to me. I am angry at being unemployed after wasting 5 years in the university for a piece of nonsense, I am under the sun. I am angry  that I go outside and meet idiots everytime.

Happy Holidays!

Equal Rights!

“Women want equal rights and opportunities with men and still want to be treated as women.“☹️

I am greatly tempted to say this silly statements are made by Meninists but on a second thought, someone who would not want women to have equal rights and still be ‘women’ would be nothing short than a misogynist.

We are living in a misogynistic society. A world where people would love for women to choke, choke, choke to death. After they had choked to death, burn their corpses, grind it to fine powder, dissolve it into water and throw the water away at the same time cover the place with dust or sand. Nobody should know womxn ever exists/existed!

The world has been unfair to womxn. Unduly unfair to womxn. For many many many many many many centuries. I am forced to believe due to its unfairness, Leonardo Da Vinci and many other men aren’t much geniuses as we are told to believe. Who knows if their female counterparts didn’t make the research and since they are men and would gain more exposure, they are given recognition. There were periods when womxn could not engage in many activities because they have breasts.

Sorry, lemme paraphrase in a more descriptive sentence. For centuries; during Da Vinci, Edison, Shakespeare, Roosevelt … womxn had limits, there were numerous things womxn could not engage in; for example Colette’s husband got credited for her books because then in Paris and all over the world, womxn don’t write books. Yes. There was a time owing breasts and vagina bans you from writing.

Oh my god, this book is good and should be published. Are you the writer? No, please we cannot publish it because you have breasts and should not be writing. Name your husband as the author or use a nom de plume for this book if you really want to publish.

On a second thought, how can womxn write books when their duties are meant to be in kitchens, cooking, arranging, cleaning, catering blah blah blah?

There was a time when being a doctor of any sort meant you are a man. Why would anyone meant for the kitchen be competent to treat sick people?

Treating someone as a female except you aid a doctor by cleaning and washing the bed and mattresses of the sick and wounded, other than that you are a witch 🧙🏾‍♀️. Let paraphrase, you are a witch 🧙🏾‍♀️ if you dare treat or cure anyone. And what do they do to witches/female doctors at that time? They burn them at the stake!

Again, there was a time womxn could not invent anything. There was a time walking alone can get you killed or kidnapped and be enslaved. Not minding you are a white womxn. Among others, a womxn cannot lead.

21st century is the only century where a womxn can choose to be a slave to patriarchy or to fly. Womxn have been limited in every previous century, sure we are still limited now.

However we have a choice to make a choice.

To continue our enslavement by bearing our husband’s name and adding neé to our father’s name, changing Miss to Mrs, belonging to the man because he has penis and can protect you from imaginary enemies, belonging to our father’s tribe because he married our mother without her consent or we can BURN patriarchal system down 💪🏾!!! With our voice, of course 🤓.

So as a womxn, do well to let your husband wash the plates, cook the meals, clean the house, take up your name, wash the bedsheets every week(this is the most important duty of marriage), fuck you right by showing you heaven, carry baby to work and yes, before I forget, still pay the bills (you never have to carry pregnancy, let him pay for surrogacy) and treat you like a lady😌. People must talk of course, that’s why you are human and alive😁.

Murder cases in Nigeria

Gina Yashere in one of her comedy shows stated how she closes the door to Nigerians and when she comes to Lagos, she surrounds herself with whites instead of Nigerians. In the comedy, she said there was no CSI in Nigeria and even if there were, it would mean CANNOT SOLVE IT. When someone dies, Nigerian police arrest the next person, and when it is confirmed that they are innocent, they exclaim, ‘shit! We can never catch the killer!!’ That was a joke. But it was true. The soaring unemployment rate in Nigeria has made Nigerians take on jobs that they aren’t passionate about. You aren’t passionate about people, matter of fact, you despise people and you don’t give a shit about them. But medicine and being a medical practitioner is the most lucrative job in Nigeria where you don’t search for jobs so you study medicine. You have no joy in solving crimes but your uncle/father/Oga/Chairman has a ‘slot’ in the Nigerian police and since you have been unemployed for five years or more, you grab the opportunity. You become a police officer. You have no interest. You just need a job.

Persons fit and passionate about the job cannot be employed because they have nobody to help them.

This video is touching and I wept so much watching. It gave me 5000 more reasons to japa to a sane Scandinavian country, some of the victims of this story could be saved from dialing 911 emergency.

Do we have an emergency number? Yes. Is it working? Who will pick up your call?

Police are nonchalant in performing their jobs, the government is nonchalant to provide equipment for the police to work with. Deaths that could easily be solved, turn cold and remain a mystery. If the deaths of these popular murder victims are unsolved, imagine those of the poor and unknown people.

I am still wondering what NIN is used for and why it is compulsory to do when it is useless for anything. You cannot retrieve your line with only your NIN number and thumbprint. NIN is only an audio talk, another scheme by the government to stress Nigerians.

If you have a way, any way, please leave Nigeria. But then, you live and face racism, xenophobia, etc.

Yes, so I am gay. I fuck girls, grow up

Yes, so I am gay. I fuck girls, grow up. I am not the first Nigerian person who started, I don’t intend to be the last. Na, I won’t be the last.

Many many years after I die, there will be many Lesbians, lick vaginas and sucking breasts. Not in the closet.
Some are in the closet.

I want my coming generations to be homosexuals in a peaceful society.

Today I woke up remembering my ancestors. I liberated to my great grandmother whom I am rumoured to look alike. I liberated to my grandfather. They must be really hungry.

At work, my colleagues fought. Two grown-up men in their 50s and slightly over 50s fought! For customers that would pay less than 4k in total. Prior to then, I admired a Lamborghini and I became depressed at the thought of buying one. I love cars, but right now, I cannot afford a bicycle 🚲. I have been working not for bills but to pay transport.

Watching these colleagues fight, I placed my hands in Akimbo, frustration ripping me off as I shook my head in shame while people gathered to separate the cheap wrestlers.

That event, ruined my 2023, 1st November! I scoured a quiet place at a ministry I usually went to. I thought. I thought and I thought. There wasn’t anything, I didn’t think.

Lost in my thoughts, someone beckoned to me. Then he asked about my post on Facebook where I stated that I am unapologetically gay. I was shocked at how he got such information, then, I was tired. I am tired of it all.

I am tired of explaining myself.

When he told me how he would stop associating with me. He regretted ever knowing me. It hit me. It hit me hard.

I cannot deny the fact that I am so sad. I was so sad that I cried. It hurts so much. I cried outside. At my stand. I couldn’t control the tears. I closed early from work, so I could cry at home.

I cannot be myself. I cannot want to not be myself. I’d rather commit suicide than go back there in the closet. I want to express all of myself. I want to bloom. I cannot grow because I am a Nigerian, why can’t I just be stagnant where I am? What wrong have I done?

I cannot be caged no more. I want to scream on the mountaintops. I want to express myself. I want to grow.

Nigeria please let me grow. Is it a crime to be born a Nigerian?

I need kind words. Words soothing and encouraging. A reminder to my soul, that I am normal. Most of my friends are in hiding. They cannot offer what I need.

I thought about whom to lean my head on. Who to visit feeds me those encouraging words to my ears and empower my hurting tigress.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. And this drink I needed, most friends cannot give it to me, because they don’t have it. They would offer me ‘the safe advice’, the advice I have adhered to for years. The advice that only chains me, and cages my soul. Oh, how it burns my soul. It stabs me everytime.

I want to flyyyy. I cannot have any other options than flying or suicide. Nigeria is frustrating as it is. I barely work for food. Work profits have been for transport.

If I am to be killed for being a lesbian. I want to raise my head while I stare into the face of my killers with the satisfaction that I lived. I lived. I’ll be welcomed by my ancestors. By my great-grandmother because I tried living as a Nigerian. I tried living my truth.

I want to be loud about it.

You might claim safety is the best option. Are we safe as Nigerians? Didn’t the former minister of transport, Rotimi Amaechi publicly state on channels TV that you can shoot ten Nigerians in public and nothing will happen? If ‘normal’ Nigerians can be killed and nobody flinch, why should I seek safety in being an undead?

One has no life as an average Nigerian.

I refuse to be quiet!

Letter to Crush

Dear Crush,

I am tired of always trying to do right by you each time and never getting it right. I am tired of you constantly blocking me when you know we have past that stage.

I am tired of you pretending to be oblivious of my feelings when you know that every step I take is to be closer to you.

I am tired of fighting for your attention, begging to be picked. Doing things I despise to be with you.

I am tired of you running forever in my thoughts and it’s never about me even with me. I am tired of giving it all for you. Even when it goes against my value and dignity as a person. I changed myself for you. My mindset, my being.

You would ask, if you asked me to. I despise myself so much I choose someone else everytime.
That block reminded me that I must love myself first before loving anybody else. It reminded me that I am human too. I deserved to be loved. I deserved to be adored. I deserved to worshipped.

Henceforth, you will be limited only to my mind where I shall continously dream of you. And love you.

I gave much thought to what I and my hubby Georgie talked about yesterday.

This morning in a flash, on an Okada I thought of Leonardo Da Vinci. An irreligious folk in a staunch Catholic-ridden society, a gay man when homosexuals were burnt at the stake. Michelangelo was also a gay sculptor.

Do we accept our differences only when it is convenient for us?
Do we repress ourselves, suppress that loud mad part of us screaming to be free. To be seen. To be acknowledged. To be loved.

Michelangelo and Da Vinci had dealings with the church. Most of Michelangelo is in Rome sculpture.

Do we wait until we are contented, rich enough to say our truth?

Should we remain in the box placed on us by society because we are not there yet??

Shouldn’t we live our best lives whether rich or poor? Do only rich people die? Do only people who are at a certain level in life die?

Shouldn’t we live our lives because of the certainty of death?

Should we wait till when to reveal our truth? When we are old and wrinkled? Rich and satisfied? Loved, accepted, and cherished by all? If today’s not the right time ⌚ when is the time? Tomorrow? Next month? 2045? When?? What will be the right time if not today?

How do I keep suppressing this wildfire burning inside of me when it has become a matter of BURN, or burn? I am burning. I am hurting badly hoarding that flame.

Potent Emotion

Fear is a potent emotion.

I’d like to say, based on myopia, that several emotions germinate or amass out of fear. Emotions such as hatred, anger, phobias, and probably many more root in fear.

The other day I was mad at something, and I paused and reasoned. What am I afraid of? I got the root of my anger and tried inferring it.

I am learning to change. It is not easy to cope with anger issues or fear issues. However, I am struggling to get there. My longest relationship lasted only a year. I want to spend a lifetime with Crush if she could realise that I do not compete to be her mate, nor do I aspire to rub shoulders with her.

So that after our lifetime we will remain together. In the spirit world, we will be inseparable, walking together with our arms on each other’s waists.
and other spirits will be like, “Ha this your love is glue.”

Okay. Lemme return from daydreaming.

We are living in an insane society, where difference is not tolerated nor merely ‘laughed at’. There are times, people laugh at you and cajole you. When you retain adamancy in difference, they hate you. They execrate you.

Those feelings of theirs are fruited from. Fear.

People acting out from those fears behave poorly. They can do anything.

I have had a gray discussion with homophobes. Gay haters fear Nigeria will become the biblical Sodom and Gomorrah. They believe that if they accept homosexuality ⚣, by the way, homosexuals are the antichrist; signs of the end of time. Nigeria will be destroyed by God or He will turn his face away from Nigeria. I still wonder what special blessings god gave Nigeria.

We live in a dogmatically structured society; a structure created by then humans to protect themselves based on their truth.

Are we living in our truth right now? The answer is no. Okay, let’s all pretend we are sane🙂.

People will say things that will hurt us.

Yes.

People will hate us, beat us and try to kill us if not kill us. And they should. Oh, they will. Like the boys flogged in Bayelsa for having gay sex or the girl stripped naked, flogged and recorded by her immediate family for being a Lesbian.

As a Lesbian/Gay/Queer/Freethinker, you are a THREAT!!! The rest will hate you for not being you☺️.

There was a Sunday Fact that once quoted:
A person generally hates you for 3 reasons: 1) They want to be you. 2) They hate themselves. 3) They see you as a threat.

Nobody lives forever. But everyone dies forever. Life is uncertain. Death is certain. Life is short. Live a thousand years, life is short.

We don’t need to agonise over the things we do not understand. Instead, we should come closer to understanding it. I heard this somewhere, replace Judgement with curiosity. I wish people were that wise to replace Judgement with curiosity.

From my heart ♥ to yours 🙏🏾,

Namaste 🙇🏾‍♀️

I created this quote with the help of rapid quote